YOLO

It’s the Sunday night before my last week of work and I have not processed my feelings yet.

The main thing I feel is scared. Scared out of my mind. Scared shitless. I have moments of panic where my heart races and I get tunnel vision and everything feels, well, scary.

An overarching feeling I am also experiencing right now is relief. Unbelievable, intense relief. No more office monotony, no more corporate speak. No more sitting in the same spot for 8 long hours every day staring at a screen and listening to people complain and accomplishing almost nothing else. A thing I know for sure, deep in my guts is that I do not want to stay. I cannot stay. It is killing me.

I am leaping, which I have done many times before. But I have never in my life had more to lose than I do right now. And I really don’t know what I’m doing. But then – does anyone? But then – maybe I DO know what I’m doing, but I just think that I don’t because I lack confidence? All thesevthings are probably true.

I’m 35 years old. I had to sit and think about it because I have stopped paying attention to my actual age. Every day that I get older I feel all of the things I want slipping through my fingers. I am scared that I am old now, and I am scared that I have “let myself go”. I supposed this all goes into the “lacking confidence” idea.

I know all of the things I should say to myself – and do say to myself.

“you’re doing great”

“you’re making the right choice”

“things will work out”

“you are a wonderful person”

“you are a smart person”

“you will be okay”

But I’m still scared out of my mind. The issue here is – the chemistry in brain is such that I don’t typically use my lack of confidence/anxiety/nervousness/excitement/fears to put a fire under my ass and to work harder. When my anxiety goes into overdrive like this, my depression creeps in, to “help”, and tells me to simply- “hide under the blankets and eat all the snacks and take long naps and buy all the things you can’t afford and just do things that make you feel good right now and fuck the future!” So that’s something to deal with I guess.

Anyways, wish me luck on my last week. Send me affirmations and congratulations. As much as I know I should not care about what other people think (especially at my age), I still do. Oh god I REALLY do. So, help me get through this week, give me a little confidence boost, and I will see you after my leap.