I guess you could say I am an impulsive person. I’ve had two hot (alcoholic) apple ciders and I skipped dinner and I find myself sitting upright in bed browsing through various social media feeds and pick pick picking at myself. I love to pick at myself. NO I do not LOVE to pick at myself. But I TEND TO pick at myself. Do you get my meaning here?
I am an incredibly sensitive person. I am a raw nerve. I feel things very deeply. And when I say “things” I mean EVERYTHING. I am also in a place in my life where I feel like I am wandering around blind and lost just floating and wondering how I got here and where to go next. When I pick at myself, pick at my mind and image and my literal body, it is because I am trying to carve myself into what I want to be. It is because I am unsatisfied with the visible me that I am and I want to widdle myself down to the truth.
Okay I know I’m being very esoteric here but that’s just the way I am right now. So if you are reading this – just go with it okay? Take a slow and careful peek into my brain and its inner workings.
I’ve gotta be honest. I’ve gotta just say it out loud. I am struggling. I am really struggling. I have been struggling for a while now and it is quite difficult to get up and out of bed and do the things that I need to do every day. It has become quite difficult to be a person in this world. I am deeply unsatisfied with my life the way it is. With my body and myself the way it is. I feel invisible to myself. I ignore myself. I try not to think about who I am because it makes me sad. I used to have dreams and ambition and goals and optimism inside of me. I do not feel any of these things anymore.
Please do not worry about me. Please know that I am a fighter and I am going to be okay. I have a therapist and I write in my journal and I do know that I have wonderful things in my life – especially an incredible support system. I just felt the need to publicly (hah! for the 2 people who might read this)…I felt the need to throw this out into the ether and have it be known.
“It’s not you she says, it’s just that life’s so hard”
Tick Tick Boom…Jonathon Larson