I am STRESSED THIS WEEK so read at your own risk.
I spend forty hours a week sitting and looking at a screen at a corporate office. I solve other people’s problems. I draft memos. I answer the phone. It’s a blessing to have this solid, continuous work because I make money, and in our capitalist society, I NEED money. So, “thanks boss!”
I am lucky to have this job because there are so many ways in which I could be worse off. This job utilizes my skills of organization, listening, interpersonal relationships, typing, self-starting etc. and I don’t have to stand for 8 hours a day, and I can drink my coffee while at work, and I can eat lunch at my desk, and I can use my phone if I want, and I can blog if I want…etc etc.
But
Okay, you knew there was going to be a “but”, didn’t you?
I am not an office manager.
And I don’t mean my job title, because my job title is literally “Office Manager”. It’s a title I chose for myself actually. And now that I think of it, why didn’t I choose something more badass like “Lead Troubleshooter” or “Chief of Multitasking”? Too late now…
I say that I am not an office manager because, inside, I am not. I am an artist. (I need you to know that I just accidentally typed “ar-tit” lol).
I am a creative person deep down in my soul. I am a performer, a singer, and actor, even a DANCER. This is who I am.
I am not someone who goes to work and goes home and has a work-life balance. I am someone who has a true, deep-rooted passion for my work. And I don’t mean “passion” like the “passion” you say have for organizational tasks or photoshop etc. when you are interviewing for a position in an office, I mean a real, deep down, can’t think about anything else, therapeutic, all consuming PASSION. And the passion shows externally–I am good at what I do. With continued practice and effort, I might even be REALLY good at what I do. When passion mixes with talent it makes quite the cocktail, and I’m drinking it ’til it’s gone, honey.
In the last year and a half I have performed only once. I sang one song at a brew-pub cabaret and it was INCREDIBLE. It was the best, most “me” feeling I’ve felt in what seems like YEARS (okay Tara, ya, maybe because it has been OVER A YEAR). This is the absolute longest time I have ever gone without some form of creative output. I mean this literally. Ever since I can remember I have been consistently performing, practicing, and learning about my passion, with no more than a few weeks off between projects. The panorama personal-pan-pizza in 2020 really got in the way of me living my best life. I got my office manager position before the periwinkle began, but I was still doing outside projects to satiate my need for play, but once the palooza began, nothing. Nothing for over a year.
Cut to- August 2021. Things are happening again (at least for now…I’m lookin’ at you DELTA VARIANT) And I am dusting off the cobwebs and getting back out there again. I have another song to sing at another brew-pub cabaret this Saturday. I have two auditions I need to film and submit this week. Which (sidebar) is one of the only good things that came out of the pandemonium, being able to film and submit auditions instead of having to go in to the dreaded “room” and audish live in person. Maybe I’m the only one who loves this, but…love is love. I have another audish to film and submit next week, and with all the season announcements lately, I am hoping that there are more to come. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get cast. I have a new body and am a bit rusty after the past year of sitting and yearning, but maybe I can use these things to my advantage?
So I am choosing to manifest these things. I am manifesting into being that these auditions I have will result in callbacks, which will then result in getting cast, which will then result in me quitting my desk job in exchange for a year and a half of professional theatre work, which will then result in me getting more theatre work, which will then result in me living my best damn life. It will be both “going back” and “going forward” for me. Returning to the life and career I love and once had, and also going forward into the life and career I long to have.
Today I am manifesting. Or maybe it’s daydreaming? I am imagining. I am imagining the life I want. I am imagining good results. that’s manifestation, right? Or do I just have my head in the clouds? Either way, these daydreams fill me with joy and hope, and I’m hanging on to that.